Methodical Missy

Just a mom in Texas that wants to die knowing I lived life to the fullest. This is mostly my attempt to keep my family & friends up to date on what's going on at our house. If you're one of those people that don't like personal blogs, I'm not here to entertain your a$$, so just move on.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

So glad I am no longer this person.

I used to date a jerk. A real jerk. His name was Marc N. Jerk really doesn't seem to sum him up well, though. Maybe lowlifejackassshitheadarangutan is more like it.
When we met, he was nice, cute, fun and very smart. In fact he's the only reason I passed Chemistry. But, after we started dating, he became a different person. If I so much as looked at another guy, I was accused of flirting.
Then there were the times he told me the things he would fix on me. He said my nose turned up a little, my ears were uneven...things I had never noticed before.
Once he had my ego at a level low enough for his satisfaction, the physical abuse began. It started with throwing things at, suitcases, you name it, if flew across the room. I think he missed me on purpose, though. It was mainly a scare-tactic. One night, we got into such a huge fight that I decided to leave.
Just as I reached the door, he grabbed me by the hair and pulled me back so hard, my head hit the floor and I got a concussion. I was pinned to the floor and I remember thinking, how did a smart girl like me end up in a situation like this?
Eventually, he cheated on me and that was my way out. I told him to have a nice life. The problem was, deep inside, I couldn't believe a loser like him would dump ME. It was supposed to be the other way around.
So, I went to Mexico with my mom. I drank for breakfast, drank for lunch and then had a drink for dinner. I came back to TX with a super tan and lost a ton of weight. This was enough for Marc to decide he wanted me back. This killed two birds with one stone. I got some of my ego back and I got revenge on the girl.
I know what you're thinking. "Stupid Bi***! Why did you go back" I really can't explain it except to say that when you're so low and so used to being told how ugly you are and how unworthy you are, you start to believe it. I thought no-one else would ever love me and this was my only chance at not growing old alone.
The good news is that I eventually woke up. We agreed to break up and remain friends. We even worked out together at the same gym every day. Wierd, I know, but I did this because I was scared to cut the ties. What if I never found someone else to love me? At least I'd have someone to fall back on, abusive or not, it was better than being alone. (I'd disagree with that statement now)
Well, eventually. I started getting asked on dates. After a while, I figured out that there were guys out there that found me attractive and fun and smart. Little by little, Marc and I went our separate ways. At one point,I heard, he was a homeless, drugaddict. Recently, I heard he may have joined the army.
For the longest time, I resented him. Hated him, even. I spent a lot of time rehearsing what I'd say if I ever ran into him. If words could kill, he'd be bleeding to death on the floor.
Now, I don't give it much thought. In fact, now, I'd like to hear that he learned from his mistakes and quit being so insecure. I'd like to know he found the love of his live and treats her like a princess. That would be more healing than being able to rant at him for the emotional mess he left me in when we finally parted ways. I'd also like to hear him say, "I'm sorry" and truly mean it.


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